Feeling like a version of Ted Mosby

It’s funny how I was one of the few individuals who hadn’t watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother until recently. I was more of a Friends kind of audience, but this past August, I decided to give HIMYM a chance (you never know if you’ll enjoy anything unless you try it out right?).

So, it’s mid October and i’ve made it to season 9, the last season of the show where i’ll finally know the whole story of how Ted Mosby met his wife and mother of his children. While watching this in my late 20s, it occurred to me that I could relate to Ted’s character (hence why i’ve made it to season 9). Ted wanted nothing more than to find the woman of his dreams. He was a hopeless romantic and when things went sour, he picked himself up and kept searching. It was comforting knowing that he would eventually meet his dream woman, but would the show have been as popular or as well received it he didn’t find his wife? Or, if Ted ended up being single until the age of 50 or 60? Hey, I know It’s TV, but a part of me kind of wished that there would be a main character who wouldn’t get his or her happy ending for the season finale for the sake of all single individuals still in search for their potential partners. I mean it’s great for Ted that he gets a happy ending the next season, but it would have been even more inspiring to see him live his life as a happy, content, single man for another few years or more to show viewers that it’s okay to be single and that life goes on. Season 8 ends with Ted being ready to leave New York for Chicago so that he could leave his almost married ex-girlfiend and best friend in peace. I can understand how difficult it would be to accept this event in real life, but I just wish they could have fast forwarded to the future to show a happy and successful Ted Mosby in Chicago, telling us viewers that he is still okay with the single life and soaking up every minute of it.

I guess I feel like the rest of us out there who are single, who are getting closer to or who have already surpassed Ted’s age feel like we need to strive to get what Ted will end up getting at his age. That’s a really tough goal to achieve. I feel like some people are just lucky because they meet the right person earlier in life and love them and know they want to spend the rest of their lives with that person, while other people like myself haven’t found that yet. I tell myself that it’s going to be okay if i’m still single in my mid 30s or late 30s or 40s or 50s. I still have so much to learn about myself and the world and the older I get, the wiser and more intelligent I become. That is the truth. And the more I understand that as long as I can live with myself and enjoy life, there shouldn’t be a time limit to finding that special person. Don’t get me wrong, everyone wants that happy ending, but that doesn’t always happen when you give it a time stamp. One should accept that reality is reality and that we might not all have the same timeline as Ted Mosby.

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Frustrated much?

Remember that person who said they’d do anything for you? Remember how disappointed you felt because you believed them and thought that things would work out between the two of you? It’s not only sad, but extremely frustrating when it seems like you’re the only one trying in the relationship. I believe there are some things that both partners can say to help a relationship that is struggling.

When your partner says that they’ll try harder or make up for the last time they messed up, it’s old news. You certainly cannot change someone, but there are certain behaviours that can be worked on. For instance, being on time. That one is huge on my list. I’ve always been the person that shows up early for appointments, my ex on the other hand, not so much. I know that tardiness is something that someone could work on, unfortunately in my experience, there was no hope. What do we do when there are more serious and disappointing habits or qualities that your partner brings to the relationship?

One disappointing habit I remember when I was with my ex was that he didn’t really make an effort to speak to me or call me when he knew that we had a timeframe to work with. For example, my ex worked late nights, and I had early mornings. My ex was well aware of when to call me, yet 9/10 times, he would call me after my bed time. It’s not only inconsiderate and disappointing, but it made me feel like I wasn’t important enough to my ex. I always said even a quick 2 minute “goodnight” was enough, but the exe’s work schedule seemed to always matter more than our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, work is work and that’s important, but he knew in advance (and was reminded daily) to take his break at a certain time whenever feasible just to say “goodnight”.

One thing I wish I had suggested at the time is based on a couple who have a system where they promise each other to say “good morning”, “goodnight” and “I love you” everyday. As easy as that sounds, you’d be surprised to learn that so few couples do this! I think it’s a brilliant idea. It reassures both partners that they care about each other and that they can make time for their partner to say these few, yet important sentiments.

If you are with someone special, try it out and see what it does for your relationship. While you’re at it, add other little sayings like “I miss you” or “I can’t wait to see you”. Instead of fighting about the dishes or a missed call, send him or her a positive message. You two will be more appreciative of each other and more loving towards one another.

I miss the good ol’ days…

I think it’s disappointing to see so many people use social networking websites like Facebook and Twitter to replace real life scenarios. Remember the good old days when people used to call your home telephone to ask how you were doing and to see whether you wanted to go out and spend some time together? Now, they will ask you on Facebook, or send you a Tweet. I guess I am a little old school when it comes to this stuff (even though i’m in my twenties), but I know i’m not the only one out there who feels like this (or at least, I hope not). Sure there are some positives to using social networking websites. For instance, when you’re planning a big event, you can go on Facebook, check off the list of names of people you’re inviting, and bam, with a click of a mouse, the invites are sent, and all you need to do is check to see who will come. But I still don’t think it’s as personal as calling someone and asking them over or inviting someone in person. I know I miss receiving real paper invitations to parties and calling a person back to RSVP. Sure, it’s a little more time consuming, costs some money and trees (although you could recycle your cards afterwards), but there’s something special about receiving a card in the mail box addressed to you, and opening it up to uncover a nice surprise.

Well, times are changing and I can only hope that the next generation remember that there is life outside of Facebook and Twitter. The next time you have a party, surprise your guests and make them feel extra special by calling them or by mailing them a hand written card.

Liar Liar

Im fed up with liars. Sneaky, hurtful and risky liars. Although little white lies like “Yes, I would love to go out with your parents tonight” are okay, lies that destroy friendships and relationships is what I’m talking about. My ex was the biggest liar I knew. He managed to lie to my face about where he was, who he was with and did it repeatedly.

I think the worst part about liars is that they think they will never get caught. Please, I am like a private detective when it comes to hiding any information from me. I can research my butt off and figure things out on my own. What strikes me the most is when liars deny lying. When you’ve caught someone red-handed lying to your face, and they still deny what they’ve done, they just look even more stupid and pathetic. Just admit what you’ve done, apologize and learn from your mistakes. If you can’t handle being truthful, then get some therapy because you will continue to hurt the people you love (that is, if they choose to remain in your life once you have lied).

I know there are good people out there who are truthful and honest, but I feel as though it is much harder to come across these people.

I feel that within minutes of getting to know someone, your instincts will tell you whether that person is trustworthy or not. Within the first months of meeting my ex, I knew there was something a little shady about him, but I brushed off the feeling, ignored my instincts, and well, nothing good came out of it. He was sketchy at times, not telling me about the friends he would hang out with, and would make up stories to please me just to get out of a fight.

I think if anyone wants to save themselves from a hurtful and deceiving relationship, it is extremely important to get out of the relationship as soon as you sense he or she is lying to you, otherwise, be prepared to take out your detective kit.

Just remember, once a liar, always a liar.

Why you shouldn’t get back together with your ex.

It really isn’t a good idea to get back together with your ex. If you two broke because you didn’t see eye to eye on certain matters, you will never see eye to eye. Even if you spend a month or a year apart, and get back together, you will see that the other person hasn’t changed. Sure, the first week to a month may seem perfect (since you will be catching up on everything), but just wait. Wait and you will see that all of the issues you had will resurface and you will be right back where you were when you guys were gonna call it quits. You cannot change a person. It is better to move on and find someone else who is compatible.

I remember when I hadn’t spoken to my ex for several months. Yes it was painful, but it was even more painful and unhealthy for me when I got back together with him after all of those months. I thought he had changed. He kept saying “When you’re back, we’re gonna do this and that and we’ll be even happier! I can’t wait!” Well, sucked to be a poor fool like me. I believed him. A part of me thought, “wow, he seems like he’s getting it together”, but he hadn’t changed one bit. So, for all you women or men out there, do not be fooled. Your ex will say anything and I mean ANYTHING to get you back. Then, once they have you, they will treat you exactly the way they treated you before the breakup. Getting back together with your ex will only hurt you more and slow down your recovery.

My advice: Be strong. I know it’s very, very difficult to resist talking to your ex, but remind yourself that you two broke up for a reason (or for many). Remember why he/she disappointed you. Remember why he/she made you cry. I suggest not speaking to your ex for at least one month. Then, you will see that it gets easier to move on and you will be happier.

Being unemployed, with a degree

I thought I’d take a break from writing about relationships. Instead, I’d like to rant about unemployment. Like many of you out there, I am struggling to find a job! Not just any job, but one where I can actually utilize my skills! I have a Bachelor of Arts degree and I have work experience yet I am not able to find a job. I have been actively looking for about three months now, and so far, I’ve received a couple of phone calls and have been on two interviews. Some of you are probably thinking “three months, that’s nothing!” Well, I have to admit that some of my friends have been jobless for much longer (about a year or more) and ended up going back to school because nobody, and I mean nobody would hire them.

I don’t have any regrets about pursuing my degree, but I believe that universities should give recent grads at least internship opportunities from different companies so that they get some kind of work experience, almost like a “thank you for your business” type of deal. Sure there is COOP, but you have to pay to be in the program and you are not guaranteed anything.

Ugh. I’m just frustrated. I mean I look at job postings everyday and apply even if I’m not 100% qualified for the position. I have to. I think everyone does. And even though some of my friends and family members remind me not to be picky when applying for jobs, I can’t help it. I mean, would you really want to work full time earning close to minimum wage after having spent a good $35,000 or more in tuition? I don’t. Before I graduated, I promised myself that I would make at least as much as my degree cost me, and I don’t think that’s unrealistic.

I have former classmates from high school who didn’t even attend university or college and are making it big. They are like the Bill Gates’ of your high school. They started their lives by working minimum wage and now, they are at the top of their companies. If they could do it, then I sure as hell can too.

Instead of getting bitter, we should look at it this way: A university degree may not present you with a career right away, but it may very well lead you to a great career when the time comes.

I know I’m a hard worker and I am capable of doing many things so I guess I’ll just have to keep looking…that is until I’ve reached a year of “I can’t take it anymore” or “No one wants to hire me”. If it really comes down to that, then I guess I’ll just have to join the others and go back to school and spend more money just so that I can go back to job searching and realizing that perhaps a Ph.D. will suffice. Ha!

So what happened?

To continue my story, I remembered last week after the breakup why he and I aren’t right for each other. He has always been such a woman pleaser. His female friends talked to him about their troubles, and he was their shoulder to cry on. I believe that his shoulder should have been mine and only mine.

He’s gotten into so much trouble with girls. No sleeping around and doing those inexcusable things, but more like flirting and text/Fb messaging inappropriate messages to females, hanging out with females then posting pictures of the two of them together. He rarely posted up things regarding the two of us and well, I was very clear about what I thought was inappropriate/appropriate behaviour. Oh, we had long conversations about what I didn’t want. Even after almost a decade together, he still didn’t get it.

During these 9 years, I was his best friend, and he was mine. He knew exactly what would make me angry, and what would make me laugh and smile. I knew what would hurt his feelings and what would make him want me even more.

This time, it was a girl (again). Some stupid poem, a picture and text messages to some girl he had met while I was in France… 

After several breakups, almost a decade of fighting, I’m actually okay with the truth: he and I are not good for each other. Sorry, what was that? He and I are not good for each other. You see, the more I write it, the more I know it’s true. I can’t marry a guy who has no respect for me. No one should ever be with someone who makes them feel bad. Period. Im older now. Wiser. More mature. Although I’m still learning from my mistakes, here’s some advice that I believe is worth sharing:

From the moment you lose trust in your partner, end it. Whether that person lied to you, broke promises (repeatedly), or did anything to make you think twice about his/her actions, let them go, and move on. 

I say this because I lost trust and respect for him years ago and since that day, we never really moved forward in our relationship. No matter how hard I tried to forgive and forget and move on, I just … didn’t.  In response to my pain, I also did some vengeful things to him that I’m not too proud of. He would then use my reaction against me and then there was basically this vicious cycle of “well, remember when you …”. “Yeah, well that’s because you…”. Anyway, my point is, the second I lost trust in him, during our second year together when he sent those inappropriate emails, was a crucial moment. The relationship should have ended then. “The end” kind of ending. I knew deep down, in my gut, that the relationship was wrong, but did I end it? Nope. I was too scared to break it off. Why? Because I loved him.

He was my first boyfriend and I wanted to be with him. Getting over your first true love is something so damn difficult to do and I’m sure millions of people out there still think about their first love and imagine what their lives could have been like if they had stayed together. Truthfully, I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him, but at least now I understand that I am no longer in love with him. When your intellect takes over your emotions, you can finally start to move on. When I remind myself that he has lied to me, betrayed me, brought out the worse in me, almost ruined my life in France, etc., then it’s kind of like, “hey, ummm… why were you with him for all those years again?”.

It’s been day 3 of no communication with him. I managed to do 5 months while I was in France. Looking forward to year 1…